Organized

I am sure that all of us can recall a moment in our lives that made us uncomfortable, judged and or 'picked on'.

Earlier today I was going through my clothes to decide what to wear, like we all do literally every single day, and saw some of my shorts. I was thinking, "Now since I am a mom, do I have to retire my short American Eagle shorts and buy some Bermudas or something?" (because that is what everyone is thinking in the middle of Feburary, right?) Then I went to class and we talked about if your choice of clothing is a good way to express your personality and if you express your personality through your clothes without even knowing you are doing so.

Always so weird how things co-exist like this or when you are thinking of something and then see an ad for the same thing on Facebook? I hate that, but anyways. 

I 100% believe that we as humans express ourselves with what we are given, i.e. clothing choices. So then I started thinking back to this morning and why I thought I needed to change the length of my shorts just because I am a mom now. I am not trying to show off my body or make people want to look at me when I wear shorts, but I wear them because it is hot outside and I am not going to be sweating if I do not have to be. Plus, why is it anyones business if I wanted to wear shorts or pants that day? They didn't buy them and put them on. 

The times I have seen this type of judgement happen the most is when I was practicing the LDS religion. 

This one time in the 9th grade it was the state-wide Lagoon day or whatever that is. My bff and I wanted to wear shorts that went above the knee (a school dress-code violation) so we were not able to ride the bus with some other students. I won't get into school dress-code because that in itself is a hot mess that I get real worked up about. So, my friend and I got a ride to Lagoon with one of our other really good friends; also LDS. His mom drove us there and they both were acting very strange. Both him and his mom would not look us in the eye and barely talked the whole way there. When we got to Lagoon he told us that his mom is mad at him because he invited girls who were wearing SHORTS in the van. Keep in mind, both my friend and I were LDS and the shorts were just barely above our knees! I thought this was weird, and I just kind of stopped talking to this friend because I felt uncomfortable around him, but it was strange because he didn't do anything that most people think of when they say that they are uncomfortable, but I was because I felt violated and looked down on. He then blocked me on Facebook and various social media accounts after that and we never spoke again.

The summer after that incident happened, I then went to Lagoon with quite a few of my friends. Lagoon obviously had something out for me, I guess. It was literally the middle of July so one of my best friends and I decided we were going to wear tank tops because it was HOT. We had to secretly text each other and plan it because we knew it was a big no-no in our friend group but we wanted to be rebels, I guess. Again, we got a ride with a friends mom and they were acting strange.

But I knew what it was this time.

My friend and I were judged by our other 'friends' and one of their moms because we were wearing tank tops in the middle of July to an amusement park. They texted us while on a different end of the park saying that they were upset about us wearing tank tops. Why? I will honestly never know. My shoulders showing were not bothering anyone else. I was not provocative at 13-14 in a tank top in July. 

Even now when I think of this I get frustrated. I was Mormon a majority of my life. Not the greatest Mormon by any means, but I did love the religion for a hot minute. But, I was always trying to be better for other people and never myself. I did not think for myself. I did what the church told me I should be doing to be 'worthy'. I picked friends based on their choice of church. I did not wear what I wanted to because it was 

A. Not modest enough for the religions standards; even in SUMMER.

B. I was taught that the woman in the family is the caregiver, homemaker and is to be making babies and staying home with those babies.

My mom has always been a working mom and I felt like that what they were saying couldn't be right because my mom worked and she was still an amazing mom. It did not make sense to me at all.

and C. I feared relationships of any type. I was not taught in church how to have a healthy relationship with your spouse. I was told that any type of sexual feeling was a sin and that sex is saved for marriage (which that is not the problem) and to only be enjoyed by a man and his wife and that it is meant to procreate. If it weren't for my mom teaching us actual sex-ed, this view could have been skewed for me for a long time.

The people that I chose to surround myself with during these years were toxic to me. I was pretending to be someone that I wasn't, and when I was slowly becoming myself, they stopped talking to me and our years of friendship disappeared like it never even happened. I did things they did not agree with and instead of putting their feelings aside, they cut ties. These years were hard. I had to completely start over and find the person who I wanted to be and not who my previous religion wanted me to be.

The Mormon religion has forever left a mark on me and not in the best way. They have some good teaching, but they also teach a lot of shame, judgement and false fears on their members. As I have grown and when I think back to the things I was taught in church, I realized that I never really agreed with what was being said and I questioned the teachings frequently. Now, this is my personal opinion. I have a lot of friends who are still active in the religion that are amazing people. I would never treat someone differently just because of my own personal experience. Organized religions work really well for some and for some, just not so much.

With all the negative experiences aside, I was taught some good things in church and enjoyed it a lot of the time. It was not all bad.

-Talia :)

ps. If you are the friends I was talking about, I really have NO hard feelings towards anyone! We were young, impressionable and just trying to follow the teachings of the church! 

Intrusive

Hello, again!

It has been a hot minute, but ya girl is

back!

I have had years worth of writers block recently, and then all of the sudden had an urge to share my mental health story in hopes of helping someone, somewhere who may be possibly going through the same thing or something similar. With that being said, this is also a potential trigger waning for reasons regarding disordered eating, anxiety, depression, etc.

Please read cautiously!

I can recall anxiety attacks as early as the 6th grade. These have always manifested themselves as nausea, feeling so sick to the point I have to lay down for hours to make it go away and just complete exhaustion. Some years are worse than others years, but it is always present in one way or another every single day.

When I started noticing that my anxiety was particularly bad around food, I was in high school. I don't remember what triggered it first off, but I do remember sitting in restaurants with my family and boyfriend at the time and be so overwhelmed with anxiety I was physically sick. I could not eat, I could not be around food and all I could think about was how fast I could get out of this environment.

I wasn't getting help. 

 I honestly didn't even know I was experiencing anxiety or depression. 

I was oblivious and this continued on throughout my first year of college.

When I moved to St. George I was 18 and couldn't wait to be on my own. I was working a job where I could completely cover all of my expenses and that included food. I literally never bought food unless it was junk and/or eating out (chick fil a, anyone?). Nobody I was close to had any idea because

1. I was living on my own 4 hours away from my family

2. I was eating- just not the right things and definitely not enough

3. I blamed the college and work 'stress' on why I wasn't eating

When most people go to college to learn about literally anything besides food, I learned that coffee filled me up for hours. I started abusing coffee and I was using it as my outlet to not eat breakfast, lunch or dinner sometimes. Then it would be 10pm and I would eat any type of junk I could get my hands on. This only fed my anxiety more, which led me into depression because I was so worried about going out and not eating in front of people that I would blow off plans with people constantly; I blew off more dates than I can count, stay in my bed all day and just watch Netflix because I felt safe and comfortable doing that. Then in 2016 I was so sick every single day and having panic attacks at work that I finally decided to seek help.

By help, I mean I went to some random Instacare right before my birthday and was told that I was so underweight that I had to be flagged as anorexic.

I truthfully had never paid attention to my weight during this time, the only time I knew I was extremely thin was when I would post a picture on Social Media and my grandma would call my mom telling me that I was anorexic and then my mom would call me and I would have to explain myself, even though I didn't even know what to say besides the fact that I am always sick, and that was true so I didn't feel as though I had a problem with food.

So this doc drops this HUGE bit of anorexia info on me, but he does not give me a single bit of helpful information. Nothing on eating disorders, who to see if you are struggling, literally NOTHING. He did not ask me any questions regarding my health in any other way, or if I am being safe with myself. He literally just pushed on my stomach and asked if I had any pains. He then just sent me on my way with a prescription for Xanax (because I had previously had a couple panic attacks) after that. I was completely devastated and I went home bawling uncontrollably, and had to get ready to go on a weekend getaway with Deejay for my birthday. I locked myself in the bathroom before and cried more than I ever have, composed myself and didn't say anything to Deejay about the appointment because I was embarrassed I had let myself get to this point.

I didn't know what to do.

I went and filled the perception for Xanax because I thought if it was prescribed to me then it must work, and I knew that going to Vegas was going to be extremely hard because I had no comfortable space to escape to.

I still had no idea I was suffering with anxiety.

I took one Xanax that weekend and was so dizzy I couldn't even stand in the casinos. It was a horrible experience and I threw those babies away as soon as I could. This trip was some of the worst food anxiety I have had to date. I won't go into details because its long and unnecessary, but after this trip I told one of my closest friends about what was happening (not about the anorexia diagnosis) and she took me to see her doctor when I got back.

At this doctor she accompanied me and was my family away from my family which I so desperately needed. This doctor had me do all sorts of tests like a scope to check my stomach, I ate gluten free for a week to see if I had Celiacs and if that was why I was so sick and every single test came back negative. I was completely medically fine. On one appointment I was just sitting in his chair crying because I was so sick of feeling sick every single day and missing out on so many things because of it and I was just exhausted.

He looked at me and said something along the lines of "I think you are struggling with anxiety. You may not need to see a doctor like me, but one that specializes in mental health". Not once did he mention anorexia or any other type of eating disorder.

So I did.

I made an appointment with a local therapist and I went to her a couple times and my anxiety had already subsided (like it always does, for a short amount of time before it comes back with a vengeance). I thought she had cured me! I was eating somewhat normally again (restaurants were still an issue), I was able to go out and not be afraid of everything around me.

Then I got pregnant.

I had to start eating a balanced diet and it was really hard at first.

I went grocery shopping every week and snacked throughout my days so that I could nourish the baby inside me.

I was still silently struggling with eating and the anxiety that accompanies pregnancy in general during this time, but I was okay and I was gaining consistent weight.

But I was doing this for my baby, and I knew there was going to be a time where I would go downhill again.

I now know that I was struggling with anxiety so bad that it was making every single day a living hell for me. I do not have anorexia or another diagnosed eating disorder, but I do have disordered eating that stems from my anxiety and depression and it gets worse in certain situations, around certain foods and in certain places. Every single day could completely change at the drop of a hat. I still have anxiety in restaurants and with eating in general, but feeding Mia and getting to make her meals has helped me. I am going back to therapy to get myself more on track, and your girl is going to be

better than ever!

Your mental illness does not describe you. Most people have no idea that my anxiety was and is so bad because I never talk about it, which is not good. Please seek help if you are struggling. It really does help.

I love you all! Feel free to ask me any questions regarding eating disorders(I now have a lot more knowledge about all of them), disordered eating, anxiety, depression or any mental illness related thing!

-Talia 

20 years and counting

I'm twenty years old and getting married.
All I ever hear living in Utah is "When's the big day?" and when I tell them it's a year away, they automatically go blank and ask why I'm waiting so long. I don't think people in this state even comprehend that not everyone is LDS and can plan a whole wedding in less than two months. I'm not in any rush to get married(I actually am because I am SO excited), and long engagements are actually so important, and, so is my bank account. ;)

I'm not judging anyone who gets married super quick because we all know why they are, and that's none of my/anyone else's business. I just can't comprehend how you get to know someone in three short months. My fiance and I have been living with each other for over six months and are still getting to know each other and how to work well with our differences. I've read so many blog posts about how moving in with someone is such a hard adjustment, but I honestly didn't think it was at all. It definitely made our relationship stronger in the long run. Yes we have arguments and yes the house isn't always clean, but we are doing the best that we can and I think it' working rather nicely.  Plus, there is no better feeling than waking up every morning next to the person you love.  I just would hope that one day when I tell someone when our date is, they just congratulate me instead of asking why I am waiting so long because I am only twenty years old and we really haven't been together for that long. 

I remember before I left for my freshman year of college, my mom was telling me that I was going to get married. It wasn't because we are devote Mormons, but because she just somehow knew. Mom's always seem to know. I kept denying it and denying it because in my heart, I honestly did not even think I would be in a serious relationship at this point in my life. I was planning on moving to college and partying, making all sorts of new friends, and having the best time of my life while being single. In high school, I was in a relationship the entire time up until a month before my senior year ended and that is my biggest regret. It wasn't because I was treated bad by my boyfriend or anything like that, I just lost all of my friends from only hanging out with him, I never went to any basketball or football games or even any activities after school because he didn't want to, and I completely secluded myself from anything or anyone that wasn't my said boyfriend.
Why did I do this? I felt my worth was defined by the love that I was getting from him and only him, and I learned to stop loving myself in the process. So when we broke up, I was left completely alone and even more confused on who I was as my own person. I was only seventeen years old at that point, and I was going off to college as someone who didn't even recognize herself in the mirror.

College wasn't much different than high school, honestly. I did some crazy things, some of which I am not proud of, and I feel like I got everything out of my system in just one semester pretty much. When I look back at it now, I did these things because of how I perceived myself. I absolutely hated myself and the things I was doing was making that hate grow stronger. It surprisingly took a boy to help me realize that I am worth more than I am giving myself credit for, and he taught me not only how to love myself, but also how to love him deeper and better as well. That is one reason that I don't even feel like twenty years is that young to be getting married. I always forget that I'm only twenty years old, actually. I've successfully completed three years of college( I have nothing to show for it because of the amount of credits I take a semester lol stop asking me when I am going to graduate), I have my own town home and pay for it myself, I am completely independent, and I have two jobs out of choice. So I personally don't think I am doing too bad for a twenty year old girl.

Now on another note, I have nothing against people who aren't going to school or are still living with their parents. If you personally think that you are doing good in life, then that is all that matters. Don't let anyone tell you that you're too young to be doing something or that you haven't accomplished enough yet. If you can get yourself out of bed every single day and start your day, then props to ya. Feel accomplished for that. Even the smallest of accomplishments matter. Just don't forget to love!


taliajune

Love yourself

We all jam out to JB's 'Love Yourself' every day at least once (don't lie, I know that you do), but this post isn't going to be about Justin's beautiful face and flawless hair. Sorry, my fellow little Beebs. 

All over social media I see things such as 'before anyone can love you, you need to love yourself first' and how important self love is. I have some conflicting thoughts about this sense of entitlement, but by all means..... love yourself everyday. 

First of all, I personally feel like you need someone else to show you the love and appreciation that a person deserves. I don't know about you guys, but I don't wake up every morning and think 

"Damn I look good! I don't need no man!"

Buuuut, some of us do and that's totally awesome. Like mad props to you girlfriend, your contour is on point. Then there are the people like me, who need the constant reassurance that a significant other can give to you to be able to even being loving yourself.

1. You can't tickle your own back, but your boyfriend can and that is love all around for everyone.

2. The way you see yourself is completely different from the way someone else sees you. When you look in the mirror and see the troll that lives underneath the bridge, someone else looks at you and sees beauty in every form and loves every flaw that you unfortunately have to offer.

3. My love language is touch, and even the smallest thing such as our arms touching while we are watching stupid indie movies (that actually aren't stupid) and holding hands can make me feel like I'm worth something to someone.

4. Staying up all night, talking about anything and everything, getting to know a person inside and out; you can't do that by yourself. I mean you could, but you'd look a little odd and you wouldn't get anywhere.

5. Leaving work and knowing that there is someone up waiting for you, is literally the best feeling in the world and it's so much better than coming home to an empty house and a bag of Cheetos.

What I am trying to say is that being single is awesome, yes, but loving someone while you are also learning to love yourself is even better. Like when you are single you don't have to worry about another person constantly, you can do whatever you want to whenever you want to, and you save a whole lot of money, but 

you build yourself from other people.

Look at it this way:

Everyone you have ever come in contact with, has changed your life in someway.

Every experience you have ever had has shaped you into the person you are today.

Every thought and feeling you've had shapes your actions and the way you act and treat others around you.

I believe that you aren't able to even know how to love yourself when you don't know how to love another person. 

We all accept the love we think we deserve, and I believe that is why everyone is saying that you need to love yourself first, and I completely get that, but I also feel like there are a hundred other factors that play a part in the type of love someone emits and receives.

Loving yourself is a huge thing in everyone's life, but giving all your love to someone else unconditionally is an even bigger thing. We may think that we are all chill and cool with ourselves, but you honestly won't even be able to fathom how amazing of a thing it is to give all your love to someone and watch it build them up entirely. That is what I call love.

church and state

It's been a hot minute, but I honestly couldn't find anything to write about for months and months; until today.

Here I am, just sitting in my social work class and we start talking about Social Work in Rural Areas. For some odd reason, the LDS religion came up; how it always seems to in any setting in Utah, even when it doesn't apply to whatever is being said. I was just straight chillin', and my professor decided that he wanted to call on me and put me on the spot.

He asked me about my religion.

I honestly don't mind talking about it, because it doesn't bother me that I'm not Mormon in an extremely conservative state because I know who I am and who I am striving to be and it doesn't involve being in any type of religion, but it does bother me in this situation because I'm one of three non-Mormons out of the whole class, including the professor. I proudly told everyone that I was raised in an LDS household, but different circumstances and experiences made me choose to be inactive; and that's totally okay. 

I could see the judgmental stares of the other girls in the class, because obviously just looking at me (septum piercing and little baby wrist tattoo), it's no secret that I'm not a Mormon. One girl pipped up and told us about her mission, and how this is the only true church, and I couldn't help but think, aren't we supposed to keep church and state separate? I signed up for this class because it's something that I'm interested in, not because I wanted to be put on the spot about a religion that I may or may not be apart of. Ever since Elementary School, teachers have been stressing about how we need to keep church and state separate, but yet ever since Elementary school, the Mormon religion has always been brought up in school lessons.

I may look like a badass(;)), but I honestly am far from it. That being said, I'm also not a bad person just because I don't go to church every Sunday. That girl on her mission, she did changed lives, and that is the main reason that she went on that mission in the first place. I get that, I really do. I know that there are good people out there, who may or may not be Mormon or a religion whatsoever 

and that's totally okay. 

In fact, my best friend happens to be LDS and she's one of the most understanding, non-judgmental people I've ever met in my life. 

But there are also people who have been pushed away from their religions because of bias and negativity inside those doors, just how I have been.

It honestly doesn't matter what religion you are, it matters what kind of person you are.

If anyone knows me, they know that I almost never go out of my way to make a point of what I am thinking. I'm more of a "I'll just sit back and listen to everyone and nod my head in agreement even if I don't", but today, for some reason, I just couldn't hold back on this particular subject. I then told the class that being a certain religion doesn't define a person or what they can offer. Someone may believe in different things than you do, but you can still like that person. Things were starting to get heated, the three of us 'Satan worshipers' between the rest of the class. My professor finally decided that he should step in and keep things on the DL, and he said "Do you all see how you feel? You don't feel judged at all, you feel good and warm inside." I mean, I beg to differ, but who am I to try and change the minds of people who don't want them to be changed?

It is hard to not be Mormon in Utah.

-Talia 

Chasing Life

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A day in the life

A day in the life of a normal college student isn't aways what people think. Since I am currently attending Dixie State, the 'party school' of Utah, everyone just assumes that I am waking up on the floor of a different apartment every day and pouring Vodka into my water bottle before leaving to class.

In reality, it couldn't be any more different.

I moved down to St. George almost a month early to make more money for the upcoming semesters and I was hoping that I would make some new friends (which I actually have done, don't freak out), and not to party every weekend.

For one, I've never once woke up in a random apartment unaware of what happened the night before nor have I had any regrets from nights prior. So either I am doing college wrong or I am doing college very right. Dixie, your expectations are not being held up by me very well and I would like a refund. I prefer to spend my nights with random German boys that I met at your local Chuck a Rama at Dixie Rock talking about techno music and bikes, okay?

For two, I spend 80% of my time at the laundromat. Some kids are turning up and like, going to the lake or something, but I'm stealing the free wifi at the laundromat to watch Parenthood all while washing my clothes. The laundromat is a very interesting time. Dust storms start up in the middle of the floor, random men with inside out socks come in and sit right next to you while having a full-on conversation to himself, and half the washers are ALWAYS out of order.... but I'm there every other day, obviously living it up. Why go to a lame party when I can order pizza from next door and watch a dust storm indoors?

For three, I think I have maybe been to three college parties since I've been here for almost two years. All the parties either get shut down by the cops; which I'm not about that 'running from the cops' life and getting arrested, or they just suck and you sit on a random couch in a random house with maybe one person you've ever met before and hope that their cat walks by so that you can pet it, steal it, name it Guacamole and let it sleep in your bed. So this whole 'party school' situation, is rather an unfortunate lie that people make up to seem cool.

For four, no one pours Vodka into water bottles. Like that is definitely not a thing and if you actually do that, you have serious problems. Get your life together, homeboy and start drinking some water. Because it is free, and Vodka isn't. Your liver will thank you.

For five, whenever I go to the library on campus, it is always hoppin', so obviously people are going to class and studying, even though it is Dixie State. If I can't find a computer to do my homework on, then I should be rather proud of my school. Thanks for going to class and having motivation, but I really actually need your computer so leave. 

and finally, six. If you want to party, then you are going to party. You will find all the best ones and maybe even become the 'average Dixie student'. But, if you don't come here just to party, then this is actually a great school to attend. It's extremely cheap, in the best part of Utah and the professors really actually care about you here. You can find a party at literally any college. Like, come on. It's college. Even someone at BYU is turning up behind their chastity door in their apartment. No one hides out in their rooms and studies all day. It all just depends on your mindsets and goals. I'm not saying that if you party you are a terrible person and have nothing going for you, because you really may and just like to let loose a little bit. I've met some really great people who enjoy getting drunk every other day, and I would never judge them for that. 

So let's all stop hating on Dixie, and just come visit me because I don't have wifi right now and I'm becoming rather bored these days. 

taliajune;