Intrusive

Hello, again!

It has been a hot minute, but ya girl is

back!

I have had years worth of writers block recently, and then all of the sudden had an urge to share my mental health story in hopes of helping someone, somewhere who may be possibly going through the same thing or something similar. With that being said, this is also a potential trigger waning for reasons regarding disordered eating, anxiety, depression, etc.

Please read cautiously!

I can recall anxiety attacks as early as the 6th grade. These have always manifested themselves as nausea, feeling so sick to the point I have to lay down for hours to make it go away and just complete exhaustion. Some years are worse than others years, but it is always present in one way or another every single day.

When I started noticing that my anxiety was particularly bad around food, I was in high school. I don't remember what triggered it first off, but I do remember sitting in restaurants with my family and boyfriend at the time and be so overwhelmed with anxiety I was physically sick. I could not eat, I could not be around food and all I could think about was how fast I could get out of this environment.

I wasn't getting help. 

 I honestly didn't even know I was experiencing anxiety or depression. 

I was oblivious and this continued on throughout my first year of college.

When I moved to St. George I was 18 and couldn't wait to be on my own. I was working a job where I could completely cover all of my expenses and that included food. I literally never bought food unless it was junk and/or eating out (chick fil a, anyone?). Nobody I was close to had any idea because

1. I was living on my own 4 hours away from my family

2. I was eating- just not the right things and definitely not enough

3. I blamed the college and work 'stress' on why I wasn't eating

When most people go to college to learn about literally anything besides food, I learned that coffee filled me up for hours. I started abusing coffee and I was using it as my outlet to not eat breakfast, lunch or dinner sometimes. Then it would be 10pm and I would eat any type of junk I could get my hands on. This only fed my anxiety more, which led me into depression because I was so worried about going out and not eating in front of people that I would blow off plans with people constantly; I blew off more dates than I can count, stay in my bed all day and just watch Netflix because I felt safe and comfortable doing that. Then in 2016 I was so sick every single day and having panic attacks at work that I finally decided to seek help.

By help, I mean I went to some random Instacare right before my birthday and was told that I was so underweight that I had to be flagged as anorexic.

I truthfully had never paid attention to my weight during this time, the only time I knew I was extremely thin was when I would post a picture on Social Media and my grandma would call my mom telling me that I was anorexic and then my mom would call me and I would have to explain myself, even though I didn't even know what to say besides the fact that I am always sick, and that was true so I didn't feel as though I had a problem with food.

So this doc drops this HUGE bit of anorexia info on me, but he does not give me a single bit of helpful information. Nothing on eating disorders, who to see if you are struggling, literally NOTHING. He did not ask me any questions regarding my health in any other way, or if I am being safe with myself. He literally just pushed on my stomach and asked if I had any pains. He then just sent me on my way with a prescription for Xanax (because I had previously had a couple panic attacks) after that. I was completely devastated and I went home bawling uncontrollably, and had to get ready to go on a weekend getaway with Deejay for my birthday. I locked myself in the bathroom before and cried more than I ever have, composed myself and didn't say anything to Deejay about the appointment because I was embarrassed I had let myself get to this point.

I didn't know what to do.

I went and filled the perception for Xanax because I thought if it was prescribed to me then it must work, and I knew that going to Vegas was going to be extremely hard because I had no comfortable space to escape to.

I still had no idea I was suffering with anxiety.

I took one Xanax that weekend and was so dizzy I couldn't even stand in the casinos. It was a horrible experience and I threw those babies away as soon as I could. This trip was some of the worst food anxiety I have had to date. I won't go into details because its long and unnecessary, but after this trip I told one of my closest friends about what was happening (not about the anorexia diagnosis) and she took me to see her doctor when I got back.

At this doctor she accompanied me and was my family away from my family which I so desperately needed. This doctor had me do all sorts of tests like a scope to check my stomach, I ate gluten free for a week to see if I had Celiacs and if that was why I was so sick and every single test came back negative. I was completely medically fine. On one appointment I was just sitting in his chair crying because I was so sick of feeling sick every single day and missing out on so many things because of it and I was just exhausted.

He looked at me and said something along the lines of "I think you are struggling with anxiety. You may not need to see a doctor like me, but one that specializes in mental health". Not once did he mention anorexia or any other type of eating disorder.

So I did.

I made an appointment with a local therapist and I went to her a couple times and my anxiety had already subsided (like it always does, for a short amount of time before it comes back with a vengeance). I thought she had cured me! I was eating somewhat normally again (restaurants were still an issue), I was able to go out and not be afraid of everything around me.

Then I got pregnant.

I had to start eating a balanced diet and it was really hard at first.

I went grocery shopping every week and snacked throughout my days so that I could nourish the baby inside me.

I was still silently struggling with eating and the anxiety that accompanies pregnancy in general during this time, but I was okay and I was gaining consistent weight.

But I was doing this for my baby, and I knew there was going to be a time where I would go downhill again.

I now know that I was struggling with anxiety so bad that it was making every single day a living hell for me. I do not have anorexia or another diagnosed eating disorder, but I do have disordered eating that stems from my anxiety and depression and it gets worse in certain situations, around certain foods and in certain places. Every single day could completely change at the drop of a hat. I still have anxiety in restaurants and with eating in general, but feeding Mia and getting to make her meals has helped me. I am going back to therapy to get myself more on track, and your girl is going to be

better than ever!

Your mental illness does not describe you. Most people have no idea that my anxiety was and is so bad because I never talk about it, which is not good. Please seek help if you are struggling. It really does help.

I love you all! Feel free to ask me any questions regarding eating disorders(I now have a lot more knowledge about all of them), disordered eating, anxiety, depression or any mental illness related thing!

-Talia